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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Ding Dong Ghadafi's Dead

In honor of this auspicious day of tyranny toppling, I've decided to list, in no particular order and with great alliteration, the top five fictional depositions of despots.

The Wicked Witch of the East (THE WIZARD OF OZ)
Now, I know you're probably thinking "What about the Wicked Witch of the West? I mean, she was a pretty horrible lady." You'll get no argument from me. That emerald empress of evil was scary, but she was only in power for what, like a day and a half? When Dorothy dropped that house on the WWE, those Munchkins lost their minds. The entire village sang in unison about how happy they were to be out from under the iron broomstick of the previous owner of the ruby slippers. The Lullaby League AND the Lollipop Guild? You save that shit for The Wizard, not for some hillbilly with a terrier in a picnic basket. But if that hillbilly thwarts the scourge of your every waking hour? Yeah, you give her a bust in the hall of fame.

Emperor Palpatine (RETURN OF THE JEDI)
Any self-respecting STAR WARS geek would probably rate this as the all-timer in this category, and it's easy to see why. When first we meet him, he's a cackling, über-wrinkly, yellow-eyed man in a dress that sits in a chair for 90 percent of RETURN OF THE JEDI. Then, Vader goes soft and throws him into a reactor core. Over the course of those three preposterously painful prequels, you see more clearly what a total bastard Palpatine was. The most apt analogy would be that he was the Catholic priest to Anakin Skywalker's altar boy, and then after years of emotional (and likely sexual) abuse, the altar boy has a moment of clarity and throws the priest into a reactor core. And along the same lines as the Wicked Witch mentioned above, the entire galaxy goes batshit insane once news of his demise spreads. Galaxy wide death party = pretty huge bastard.

Sauron (THE LORD OF THE RINGS)
Over the course of three epic novels, and three epic movies, it's pretty much laid out how horrible life under Sauron can be. Volcanoes, orcs, massive deforestation, weird snake-dragons. It is said that one does not simply walk into Mordor. That is, unless you're a pair of three foot half-breeds in stolen armor. When Frodo finally gets rid of that ring, the giant tower adorned with the Eye of Sauron falls and the ground quite literally falls away beneath it and his hordes of followers. Pretty epic. As the forger of the One Ring, Sauron is the undisputed champion of literary assholes, with the possible exception of that logging company in THE LORAX.

King Koopa (SUPER MARIO BROS.)
I have defeated this turtle-dinosaur monster time and time again, and it never gets old. The minute I hop past him and grab that axe, sending him plunging into fiery lava, I feel like I just shot Hitler in the dick. Then, later on, you get to destroy all of his bastard children (there has never been any mention of a Queen or Mrs Koopa) in succession before destroying him again. Man, is it ever satisfying.

Scar (THE LION KING)
Scar is probably the most horrific villain in all of Disney cartoondom. He orchestrates the murder of his brother, then convinces his nephew it was his fault and urges him to run away from home. Dick move. To add insult to injury, he becomes King and sets to getting it on with the entire pride of his sisters-in-law (I'm assuming, based on my limited, but likely accurate knowledge of lion culture). All of a sudden, Ursula from THE LITTLE MERMAID looks like she's just having her weird, inky period. When Simba comes back and regulates, however, we get the triumphant reprisal of the "Circle of Life" opening, which is probably the best opening sequence to any movie ever. Seriously, just try to not get goosebumps when the giraffes kneel. You can't do it.

So there it is.

Ghadafi's dead. He was a real-life horror, and in the end, deserved everything he got.

Somebody call the Lollipop Guild...or whatever the Libyan equivalent is.

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